What title did I choose?

Holding Pattern

Or alternately titled:
     Crying in the shower DOES help sometimes, or...
     Vulnerable: Not Needy,
     I'm overwhelmed, Not depressed

Any of these titles will work. When I'm crying in the shower, and begging God to just give me an effin break every once in a while, I think in Facebook statuses. Sad, but true.

It's not that I don't have a lot to say, it's that I have way too much to share, and never enough time, or allowed characters, to say it in. 

For instance, I'm feeling extremely financially burdened. Mostly for the fact that I'm recently divorced, and live paycheck to child support check. In an attempt to ensure a more timely child support payment, and to stop the fighting and stress every time he deposited it late, my lawyer drew up a garnishment order, and his company is now garnishing his check. Sounds great, huh?  Well, what they forget to tell you is that it takes 9 business days to process, and by that time, its now been a month since my last child support payment. On top of that, my last lawyer bill came in. I've already paid $3,000, and this last court date cost me another $1,600. I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of worrying about money. I'm tired of working 60 hour weeks without any additional pay because I'm salary. I'm seriously thinking about taking on a second job. What's another job on top of 60 hour weeks, being a single parent, and taking care of a house all by myself?

That reminds me, at some point this summer when I was talking to the guy I'm dating about what I would do if I got pregnant, I said I would raise it, that I'm already raising one by myself, what's another one?  To this he said "You're not raising her by yourself, I think you've got plenty of people helping you. Her father, me [referring to himself].". I didn't respond to his comment, but I did mull over it for the past 4 months. 

The thing is, all of those people are only around partial time, and at THEIR convenience, not mine!  I appear to be the only one that is completely responsible for the whole encompassing job of taking care of a child. I told her father 2 weeks ago that she has a cavity. I haven't been able to take her to the dentist, and this would be prime opportunity for her father to step up to the plate, but instead, he denies she has a cavity. 

Ugh. Too tired to continue writing. 
   

No, I don't need you. I want you.

Coming soon...

Needs MUST be met.

I’m strong. I know this. I’ve been strong all of my life, through necessity.

Over the years, I’ve maintained this strength. It’s gotten me far. I came from humble beginnings, and circumstances that either force you into a life of drugs and dependency, or force you to survive. I survived.

As far back as I can remember; I’ve survived. There was a time when I was young, that I leaned on my sister. We survived together. She was older, and I knew I could always talk to her. She took care of me. She very much was a Mom to me, not just an older sister.

Eventually, she went off to college, and I learned to soar on my own. Well, that’s not completely the truth. Kenny took care of me. From 15-21, I dated a guy 6 years my senior. No one approved of it, not because he was a bad person. On the contrary, he was probably one of the best people I’ve ever met…his mom being the only other person better. He took care of me, he was good for me. He showed me how a person was supposed to be treated, with dignity and respect, kindness and courtesy. He was one of the only people in the world that has ever seen my truly vulnerable side, and that I allowed to scoop me up and take care of me. I met him too young though. I had wings that had to fly.

I’m happy that he later found a wonderful lady that could appreciate him. I was too young to be able to understand the full extent of the person he is. I hope he is extremely happy, and I wish him the best.

Other than those short years that I was with him, I have always had to be strong. I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong. I had one of the deepest conversations with one of my friends the other day, and she asked me a question that I’ve been thinking about since. She asked, “What needs do YOU need met?”

This made me think about my juvenile list I made before I met my ex-husband. The list where I thought he had met almost all of what I wanted. Unfortunately, I was again too young to realize it’s not necessarily only what I want, but what I need too.

I’ve always felt the need to be too strong to admit that there are things I need from other people.

Tonight, after an emotionally draining day, one that I really just wanted to cry, it dawned on me that I actually do have a need that hasn’t been fulfilled in a long time. I need to be able to lean on someone emotionally. Yes. I admit it, I need someone.

I’ve always thought of crying and emotions as a sign of weakness. (To even touch on the reason for this, would be a stream of long blogs that I do not have the energy to write.) I’ve rarely showed these emotions. Even when going through my divorce, it took me months before I ever broke down…even to my best friend!

Tonight, I realized that this is a need of mine. It’s something I have to have in a partner. I have to have someone I am able to lean on emotionally. I’ve been missing this for way too long.

It's 1 A.M., Where Are Your Kids At??

Hopefully in bed, like mine, which is exactly where I should be. I ask myself why I am still up, why am I not tired? I should be. I had the most amazing and tiring weekend ever.

This weekend was my first long Holiday weekend without my daughter, my side kick. She spent it with her father. I'm still very saddened by all of this; he has her one weekend, I have her another business. For 5 years, she has barely ever been away from me. So, for me to now not see her for more than one day, is very hard.

It helped to have almost every second of my day filled with vigorous activity. I spent it with *Him. He won't have a name on here, much like myself. He's a very private person, or at least that's how he has described it. I would go deeper, and say that, very much like myself, he likes to control the information, amd who he is to others.

I do this myself. This is the whole reason this blog started. So I could have one place where I am myself. For a short period of time, I allowed people who know me in real life, access to my blog. I found myself filtering it after that. The whole point in my blog was to have one place where I could be 100% ME !! When I became aware that I was filtering, I abandoned writing on it at all. I recently deleted any links I had to this blog, and reclaimed it as my anonymous own again. I like it that way...for now.

I digress. Where was I? Ah, yes. I spent a wonderful, active weekend together. It was definitely one of the most romantic weekends I've ever had. The romantic in me, loves that!

There was lots of good food, good wine, and good conversation. There was also two 4 hour bike rides this weekend, a 4 miles run, and 27 flights of stairs climbed. I couldn't tell if he was just trying to help me with my goals, or trying to kill him. At least he's not a sabotager, I've had that in the past. A sabotager makes meeting goals very hard.

Before I left today to go home, he told me that his favorite part of the weekend was when we were at the end of our first long bike ride. It was night, and we were riding through a tree lined path in the Chicago parks. I said "Hey", out of the blue, then when he looked at me, I said "I love you". It was something I felt was simple and heartfelt, and really didn't think much more about it. It's nice to see that he felt it, and it made an impact. Often times, I feel like he only touches the surface with feelings and then backs off. As romantic as he is, he seems very uncomfortable with the feelings aspect of it, or of anything for that matter. He seems to avoid anything that would cause him to feel deeply, whether it be very happy, or very sad. It is this same protection or coping skills that makes me worry if he has actually allowed himself to open his heart enough to feel really deep love for me. This scares me.

I have found myself using similar protective tactics. When I worry that he may be putting up a wall, or pulling back, I then find myself doing the same thing.

I don't want to put up a wall, I want to allow myself to feel. I'm going to make a decision to allow myself to be vulnerable. I'd rather get my heart broken again, and be able to internalize and experience the happiness I have now.

I agree with the famous quote: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."

You got the best of me.

I'm going to start off with making it perfectly clear that I never want you back. I don't know where the man I married went, but You are not him.

I never thought I would be in this position, having an ex-husband. I always took marriage for the vows I made...till death do we part.

Which is why giving you the best parts of me was never thought of twice. I was happy to give you everything I had, and never complain when you took the mile.

I happily gave my good body to bring the sweetest little girl into this world. I thought we would forever parent her together.

You got to see me at my best, when I was young and carefree. When I was fun because I didn't have any responsibilities. When I was patient.

I gave you your earning power, by sacrificing my own career, in order to make the career moves you needed to climb the payscale.

I gave you my time. The time I had to nurture a relationship without the logistics of responsibilities and an ex-husband.

I gave you my experience of being a new bride. I will never be able to have that with the man I grow old with.

For all of these things, I am bitter. I can't help but be. You see, sadness can't creep in because I have a precious 4 year old that counts on me, so I can't wallow in sadness at all the things I gave to you, that I wanted to give to the man I grow old with.

Would it be sad...

If I commented on my own posts? Just so I know someone is reading them. And I do. For some reason I find myself reading each post over and over again, just to make sure I said what I wanted to say, in the way I wanted to say it. Neurotic, I know. The worst part though, it's not like I really hVe the patience/energy/motivation to actually go back in and edit them, if, err scratch that, when I find mistakes.

When I used to keep this up more regularly, I thought there might actually be people reading it. And, every once in awhile, someone would leave a comment, someone who came here by accident, or randomly. I also used to post links to each blog on my Facebook page. However, that was a double edge sword, because I found myself wanting to sensor what I wrote. Which defeats the whole purpose of this blog. So, for now, I will just post, and hope for some the accidental reader, and hope that something I write is interesting enough for them to maybe stop by again!

Fears & Regurgitation

I've just discovered that I can blog on my phone! While that will help in my pursuit to write more often, I'm pretty sure it will reduce the quality of what I write. For instance, I'm laying in bed, seconds from falling asleep while typing, all motivation for spell check and editing gone, and in a rambling, incoherent state of mind.

Yes, I'm THAT tired that I'm incoherent. I have to be anymore, in order to fall asleep. I HATE sleeping alone! So, in order to not have to think about it, I wait until I'm absolutely exhausted to even lay down. And that's where I sit right now, eyes sneaking shut on me. Night my blogspot friends!

Long time, no blog

My Dearest Blog,

I am so sorry I have neglected you over the months. A lot has happened. I sold my house, moved to a large city, and am finally moving on with life.

I'm sorry to treat you like a disposable friend. I tend to retreat to my own head when dealing with hard circumstances; shutting out the world. I promise to work harder on letting you in.

One thing about having a Gypsy Soul, you tend to find coping mechanisms when being free. Mine is hunkering down. I tend to only want to share the good things in life, and not burden those I care about. This has been a life pattern. When things are good, I want to shout them from the rooftops. When things aren't, I want to suffer alone. I guess this pattern hasn't changed. Things are good again, and so here I am.

I've recently started dating again. It's a little weird, after being married for 7 1/2 years. He seems to be a wonderful man, though I find myself scared and cautious. He loves to share his music with me, and on one of the first CDs he made me, there was a song by a British group called The Streets. The song is a slow rap, in almost a talking tone, and he is describing meeting this girl. Thefirst thing he says about her is "her last relationship f&cked her up". This hit home.

I wasn't sure if He put the song on there to start a dialogue, or because it is something he worries about (it very much could be - he analyses everything like me!). Even if he did, I don't think He has a clue as to how true that statement is. I've tried to hide it as much as I possibly can. I don't want to burden Him, think I'm damaged goods, or scare him off. But the truth is, that because my marriage ended with my ex cheating on me, I find myself untrusting of ALL men, even Him.

I don't want to be like that. I want the innocence and trust back. I want to believe in good intentions. I want to be nieve again...because being wide eyed is torturous. He has never given me any reason not to trust Him. It is not fair for me to have doubts, yet I can't stop myself from having them.

I miss the days of innocence. I miss the days where I thought someone was so in love and enamored with me, for exactly who I am. I want to feel special. And no matter how much he tells me I am, I can't seem to grasp it and internalize it. I stead, I find myself putting up a wall, to protect myself.

I want to break the wall down. I just can't figure out how to do that.

My first group exercise class...at a Gym.

Wow. I never realized that I am uncoordinated…until today. I took my first gym group exercise class. I’ve done group exercise before, in the Army, but this was different. Group exercise in the Army usually consists of group runs, push ups, sit ups, various forms of torture completed with an M16 in hand or the use of your own body weight for resistance. I’ve always endured these, and even, in a sadistic way, enjoyed them. They were usually creative. Once I had to do 100 squat thrusts, yelling “You’re my dog, Drill Sergeant!” after each one squat thrust, when the said Drill Sergeant overheard me refer to him by his first name to someone else. So, it never dawned on me that I may have a problem with group exercise class.

The class was called Body Blast, and its description stated “Get the heart pumping using a variety of equipment, then wrap it up with weights and core strengthening activities.” What they fail to tell you is that the first 5 minutes is step aerobics. It was then that I realized that moving my feet and hands in a specified pattern, at the same time, while stepping up and down on a step, was really not my cup of tea and was going to be a challenge. It was ugly…REALLY ugly.

Everyone else were veterans of this class, they moved with such grace and synchronization as…well…a dance team. I felt very much like the newbie, but it was so bad, I couldn’t even be embarrassed. I just laughed my butt off…which did not help me with the coordination at all. Thank God it only lasted 5 minutes! We then moved on to squats and lunges. About 10 minutes into that, I was praying for the aerobics back!! Ouch. I am definitely going to be sore tomorrow.

Overall, this class was definitely worth it. It is mostly strength training and sculpting, which will be a nice addition to my cardio. I am hoping…eventually…I too will be able to master the step aerobics portion of this class. Then again…maybe I should practice a little at home before the next class. Maybe.