It's 1 A.M., Where Are Your Kids At??

Hopefully in bed, like mine, which is exactly where I should be. I ask myself why I am still up, why am I not tired? I should be. I had the most amazing and tiring weekend ever.

This weekend was my first long Holiday weekend without my daughter, my side kick. She spent it with her father. I'm still very saddened by all of this; he has her one weekend, I have her another business. For 5 years, she has barely ever been away from me. So, for me to now not see her for more than one day, is very hard.

It helped to have almost every second of my day filled with vigorous activity. I spent it with *Him. He won't have a name on here, much like myself. He's a very private person, or at least that's how he has described it. I would go deeper, and say that, very much like myself, he likes to control the information, amd who he is to others.

I do this myself. This is the whole reason this blog started. So I could have one place where I am myself. For a short period of time, I allowed people who know me in real life, access to my blog. I found myself filtering it after that. The whole point in my blog was to have one place where I could be 100% ME !! When I became aware that I was filtering, I abandoned writing on it at all. I recently deleted any links I had to this blog, and reclaimed it as my anonymous own again. I like it that way...for now.

I digress. Where was I? Ah, yes. I spent a wonderful, active weekend together. It was definitely one of the most romantic weekends I've ever had. The romantic in me, loves that!

There was lots of good food, good wine, and good conversation. There was also two 4 hour bike rides this weekend, a 4 miles run, and 27 flights of stairs climbed. I couldn't tell if he was just trying to help me with my goals, or trying to kill him. At least he's not a sabotager, I've had that in the past. A sabotager makes meeting goals very hard.

Before I left today to go home, he told me that his favorite part of the weekend was when we were at the end of our first long bike ride. It was night, and we were riding through a tree lined path in the Chicago parks. I said "Hey", out of the blue, then when he looked at me, I said "I love you". It was something I felt was simple and heartfelt, and really didn't think much more about it. It's nice to see that he felt it, and it made an impact. Often times, I feel like he only touches the surface with feelings and then backs off. As romantic as he is, he seems very uncomfortable with the feelings aspect of it, or of anything for that matter. He seems to avoid anything that would cause him to feel deeply, whether it be very happy, or very sad. It is this same protection or coping skills that makes me worry if he has actually allowed himself to open his heart enough to feel really deep love for me. This scares me.

I have found myself using similar protective tactics. When I worry that he may be putting up a wall, or pulling back, I then find myself doing the same thing.

I don't want to put up a wall, I want to allow myself to feel. I'm going to make a decision to allow myself to be vulnerable. I'd rather get my heart broken again, and be able to internalize and experience the happiness I have now.

I agree with the famous quote: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."