Needs MUST be met.

I’m strong. I know this. I’ve been strong all of my life, through necessity.

Over the years, I’ve maintained this strength. It’s gotten me far. I came from humble beginnings, and circumstances that either force you into a life of drugs and dependency, or force you to survive. I survived.

As far back as I can remember; I’ve survived. There was a time when I was young, that I leaned on my sister. We survived together. She was older, and I knew I could always talk to her. She took care of me. She very much was a Mom to me, not just an older sister.

Eventually, she went off to college, and I learned to soar on my own. Well, that’s not completely the truth. Kenny took care of me. From 15-21, I dated a guy 6 years my senior. No one approved of it, not because he was a bad person. On the contrary, he was probably one of the best people I’ve ever met…his mom being the only other person better. He took care of me, he was good for me. He showed me how a person was supposed to be treated, with dignity and respect, kindness and courtesy. He was one of the only people in the world that has ever seen my truly vulnerable side, and that I allowed to scoop me up and take care of me. I met him too young though. I had wings that had to fly.

I’m happy that he later found a wonderful lady that could appreciate him. I was too young to be able to understand the full extent of the person he is. I hope he is extremely happy, and I wish him the best.

Other than those short years that I was with him, I have always had to be strong. I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong. I had one of the deepest conversations with one of my friends the other day, and she asked me a question that I’ve been thinking about since. She asked, “What needs do YOU need met?”

This made me think about my juvenile list I made before I met my ex-husband. The list where I thought he had met almost all of what I wanted. Unfortunately, I was again too young to realize it’s not necessarily only what I want, but what I need too.

I’ve always felt the need to be too strong to admit that there are things I need from other people.

Tonight, after an emotionally draining day, one that I really just wanted to cry, it dawned on me that I actually do have a need that hasn’t been fulfilled in a long time. I need to be able to lean on someone emotionally. Yes. I admit it, I need someone.

I’ve always thought of crying and emotions as a sign of weakness. (To even touch on the reason for this, would be a stream of long blogs that I do not have the energy to write.) I’ve rarely showed these emotions. Even when going through my divorce, it took me months before I ever broke down…even to my best friend!

Tonight, I realized that this is a need of mine. It’s something I have to have in a partner. I have to have someone I am able to lean on emotionally. I’ve been missing this for way too long.