Tuesday, June 29, 2010

You got the best of me.

I'm going to start off with making it perfectly clear that I never want you back. I don't know where the man I married went, but You are not him.

I never thought I would be in this position, having an ex-husband. I always took marriage for the vows I made...till death do we part.

Which is why giving you the best parts of me was never thought of twice. I was happy to give you everything I had, and never complain when you took the mile.

I happily gave my good body to bring the sweetest little girl into this world. I thought we would forever parent her together.

You got to see me at my best, when I was young and carefree. When I was fun because I didn't have any responsibilities. When I was patient.

I gave you your earning power, by sacrificing my own career, in order to make the career moves you needed to climb the payscale.

I gave you my time. The time I had to nurture a relationship without the logistics of responsibilities and an ex-husband.

I gave you my experience of being a new bride. I will never be able to have that with the man I grow old with.

For all of these things, I am bitter. I can't help but be. You see, sadness can't creep in because I have a precious 4 year old that counts on me, so I can't wallow in sadness at all the things I gave to you, that I wanted to give to the man I grow old with.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Would it be sad...

If I commented on my own posts? Just so I know someone is reading them. And I do. For some reason I find myself reading each post over and over again, just to make sure I said what I wanted to say, in the way I wanted to say it. Neurotic, I know. The worst part though, it's not like I really hVe the patience/energy/motivation to actually go back in and edit them, if, err scratch that, when I find mistakes.

When I used to keep this up more regularly, I thought there might actually be people reading it. And, every once in awhile, someone would leave a comment, someone who came here by accident, or randomly. I also used to post links to each blog on my Facebook page. However, that was a double edge sword, because I found myself wanting to sensor what I wrote. Which defeats the whole purpose of this blog. So, for now, I will just post, and hope for some the accidental reader, and hope that something I write is interesting enough for them to maybe stop by again!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Fears & Regurgitation

I've just discovered that I can blog on my phone! While that will help in my pursuit to write more often, I'm pretty sure it will reduce the quality of what I write. For instance, I'm laying in bed, seconds from falling asleep while typing, all motivation for spell check and editing gone, and in a rambling, incoherent state of mind.

Yes, I'm THAT tired that I'm incoherent. I have to be anymore, in order to fall asleep. I HATE sleeping alone! So, in order to not have to think about it, I wait until I'm absolutely exhausted to even lay down. And that's where I sit right now, eyes sneaking shut on me. Night my blogspot friends!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Long time, no blog

My Dearest Blog,

I am so sorry I have neglected you over the months. A lot has happened. I sold my house, moved to a large city, and am finally moving on with life.

I'm sorry to treat you like a disposable friend. I tend to retreat to my own head when dealing with hard circumstances; shutting out the world. I promise to work harder on letting you in.

One thing about having a Gypsy Soul, you tend to find coping mechanisms when being free. Mine is hunkering down. I tend to only want to share the good things in life, and not burden those I care about. This has been a life pattern. When things are good, I want to shout them from the rooftops. When things aren't, I want to suffer alone. I guess this pattern hasn't changed. Things are good again, and so here I am.

I've recently started dating again. It's a little weird, after being married for 7 1/2 years. He seems to be a wonderful man, though I find myself scared and cautious. He loves to share his music with me, and on one of the first CDs he made me, there was a song by a British group called The Streets. The song is a slow rap, in almost a talking tone, and he is describing meeting this girl. Thefirst thing he says about her is "her last relationship f&cked her up". This hit home.

I wasn't sure if He put the song on there to start a dialogue, or because it is something he worries about (it very much could be - he analyses everything like me!). Even if he did, I don't think He has a clue as to how true that statement is. I've tried to hide it as much as I possibly can. I don't want to burden Him, think I'm damaged goods, or scare him off. But the truth is, that because my marriage ended with my ex cheating on me, I find myself untrusting of ALL men, even Him.

I don't want to be like that. I want the innocence and trust back. I want to believe in good intentions. I want to be nieve again...because being wide eyed is torturous. He has never given me any reason not to trust Him. It is not fair for me to have doubts, yet I can't stop myself from having them.

I miss the days of innocence. I miss the days where I thought someone was so in love and enamored with me, for exactly who I am. I want to feel special. And no matter how much he tells me I am, I can't seem to grasp it and internalize it. I stead, I find myself putting up a wall, to protect myself.

I want to break the wall down. I just can't figure out how to do that.