Long time, no blog

My Dearest Blog,

I am so sorry I have neglected you over the months. A lot has happened. I sold my house, moved to a large city, and am finally moving on with life.

I'm sorry to treat you like a disposable friend. I tend to retreat to my own head when dealing with hard circumstances; shutting out the world. I promise to work harder on letting you in.

One thing about having a Gypsy Soul, you tend to find coping mechanisms when being free. Mine is hunkering down. I tend to only want to share the good things in life, and not burden those I care about. This has been a life pattern. When things are good, I want to shout them from the rooftops. When things aren't, I want to suffer alone. I guess this pattern hasn't changed. Things are good again, and so here I am.

I've recently started dating again. It's a little weird, after being married for 7 1/2 years. He seems to be a wonderful man, though I find myself scared and cautious. He loves to share his music with me, and on one of the first CDs he made me, there was a song by a British group called The Streets. The song is a slow rap, in almost a talking tone, and he is describing meeting this girl. Thefirst thing he says about her is "her last relationship f&cked her up". This hit home.

I wasn't sure if He put the song on there to start a dialogue, or because it is something he worries about (it very much could be - he analyses everything like me!). Even if he did, I don't think He has a clue as to how true that statement is. I've tried to hide it as much as I possibly can. I don't want to burden Him, think I'm damaged goods, or scare him off. But the truth is, that because my marriage ended with my ex cheating on me, I find myself untrusting of ALL men, even Him.

I don't want to be like that. I want the innocence and trust back. I want to believe in good intentions. I want to be nieve again...because being wide eyed is torturous. He has never given me any reason not to trust Him. It is not fair for me to have doubts, yet I can't stop myself from having them.

I miss the days of innocence. I miss the days where I thought someone was so in love and enamored with me, for exactly who I am. I want to feel special. And no matter how much he tells me I am, I can't seem to grasp it and internalize it. I stead, I find myself putting up a wall, to protect myself.

I want to break the wall down. I just can't figure out how to do that.